I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
