There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
