Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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