My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
