well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
