you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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