Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
