hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
