Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
