Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
