I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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