We're like a lot better than the average bears
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
