Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
