i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
