I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
