we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
