You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
