Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
