I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
