you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
