You really coming over, don't trick.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
