so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
