Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
