Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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