my vag is so smooth its legendary
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
