Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
