EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
