I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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