he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
This toilet bowl is my home.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
