"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
