New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
