we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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