your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Randomize
