you would pick up someone in the library
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I wish there were birth control emojis
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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