your parents love me but you hate me
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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