I cannot find my penis.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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