You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
