i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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