i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
