Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
