some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
one two three fourrrrnication!
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
