I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
