Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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