it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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