she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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