I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
