I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
