Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
he just fucked me for my cheese..
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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