i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
