OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
