There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
